A God of Hungry Walls by Garrett Cook

Author:Garrett Cook [Cook, Garrett]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781621051954
Publisher: Deadite Press
Published: 2015-09-23T04:00:00+00:00

Playing Doctor

Leah has drawn the circles. She is nervous again, shirt off, looking at her work. She sighs.

“I don’t know.”

Julie puts a hand on Leah’s shoulder.

“I think you look great just the way you are.”

And Julie knows that’s the worst she can say to her. She knows that Leah will think her feelings are being protected and if her feelings are being protected then what are they being protected from and why? Why are they being protected? If the way to her heart is open, then why is it vulnerable? There must be something she’s being spared. There can be just one thing she’s being spared. She’s been taking poor care of her body. She’s getting big. She has to be getting big. And these, they’re so thick and lumpy and ugly. Everyone thinks she’s lean and slick beneath the sweatshirts and sweaters.

“Can you hand me the scalpel?” says Leah.

“You know you don’t have to do this.”

But she does.

“I know. I don’t like this. I want it to stop.”

Julie says nothing. I can feel the anguish in her knowing that she must stay silent. I don’t understand this. She’ll get Leah back she can be with Leah everywhere if she just listens. Julie is sentimental, unlike me. I am never sentimental. I love nostalgia but I am never sentimental. She doesn’t want for it to be like this. She wants to see Leah happy now and free. That’ll never happen. She is so much mine already.

She hands Leah the scalpel. The ingrate pleads that this just isn’t right and that I don’t need this woman. If she’s so irrelevant, then why then is she loved? I’m not deceived. Julie can see that she must be good now so she hands Leah the scalpel. How much could Julie really have cared for her? Melodrama. Nothing but melodrama. As she hands over the weapon, it becomes clear where her loyalties lie. You were never loyal to anyone. You never loved her. You don’t care for these people at all. You should be grateful I let you betray them. You never had the courage to do it yourself now did you?

Leah makes the first incision. Ribbons of red. A smile. A semicircle. She bites her tongue, swallows copper, swallows hurt. She grabs the flask. She grabs the pills. She knows she’ll have to make the cut before they’ve done their business all the way. She swallows her scream. It will be worth it. What’s important is that she’s the best Leah she can be and the best Leah is unburdened by sacks of rancid gravy. Julie begs me to let her let her stop. I will not let her let stop. I have Julie and Julie has nothing to give me. She is fighting to say please stop this, she is fighting to say this is crazy. But she can’t say this is crazy. It can’t be.

She keeps cutting. Deeper, more thorough. Hurts so much it makes them quiet, stiff. It tells them they have nothing to look forward to.

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